And that means going to visit the in-laws! While this may seem a daunting concept for some, I'm really freaking excited!!! I love spending time with Mom and Dad, as well as my sisters-in-law, brother-in-law and nephew! XMas Eve is usually a good time with the hubs' paternal aunts, uncles and cousins, and then XMas Dinner with his maternal family (after opening presents and all that) is generally a good time. We even got first-class train tickets to get there! HUZZAH! No trying to sleep during the 16-hour overnight trip in cramped seats that don't fully recline!
As for the little one: It will be 15 weeks tomorrow. We have another ultrasound and blood test to complete the chromosomal abnormality screening on January 11th, and a follow-up with the OB on January 14th. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! This ultrasound will be the one that tells us (as long as the baby isn't overly modest, as my own munchkin was in-utero) what sex the baby will be! I can't wait!
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Ultrasounds and Blood Tests
As of November 9, I was not quite ten weeks pregnant. The hubs, my IF and I went to the big hospital for an ultrasound and our first OB appointment. The baby's shape wasn't yet fully defined, but it had little arm and leg buds and a fairly clearly defined head. It also had little finger and toe nubs and did a little "dance" for us while it was on-screen. It was pretty cute. I think my IF got a kick out of that. He seemed very excited when we got out into the hall.
The doctor ordered a glucose tolerance test for me that day too, which honestly I found kind of insulting. Yes, I'm a bit overweight, but I don't look like what the scale says I am. Anyway, I failed that test, so the doctor ordered a three-hour glucose tolerance test for me, which I was able to do locally. They took a vial of my blood to get a baseline for my sugars, then made me drink ten ounces of yuck (I now fully understand what a diabetic feels like when they try to drink non-diet soda. ICK!). Then they drew my blood three more times: once each hour after I drank the glucose crap. The results came back perfect. Huzzah!
So yesterday, we had another appointment. This one was an ultrasound as well as blood draw, as part of what the doctor called an "integrated test." It's a three-part test to determine chromosomal abnormalities. Yesterday they measured the nuchal fold at the back of the baby's neck to make sure it isn't too thick (both the ultrasound tech and the doctor assured us that the nuchal fold measurement is not alarming, but that the results of the ultrasound have to be coupled with the results of the blood work to come up with a number which dictates risk factor for chromosomal abnormalities. In other words, we won't know for 2+ weeks.)
Anyway, the baby has ten fingers, ten toes, a head, a nose, a mouth, etc. It really is a little wiggle worm. It was squirming and opening and closing its mouth (practicing gulping and breathing with the amniotic fluid). It even yawned and waved its little hands around! It also did a 180-degree flip while the ultrasound was going on! The heart rate was 150 (smack dab in the middle of the range they dictate as "normal"), and the tech said it measured at 13 weeks, 1 day.
The doctor also said I am "perfect." In other words, he couldn't find anything wrong with me or the baby so far, and officially marked me down as a low-risk, normal pregnancy. It was also suggested, during our visit, yesterday, that a baby's size at birth tends to have more to do with the carrier's history than the baby's biological parents' genes. Which, if this is true, means that my IF can expect a good-sized baby, since my munchkin was 8lbs, 10oz at birth; 21 inches long, with a honkin' 13.5" head! Can we say level two episiotomy, folks? Whew!
Fortunately, they no longer let expectant mothers go more than 7 days over their due date, so this one will probably be closer to the 8lb mark if it does go late. Speaking of which, my due date is JUNE 8, 2011!
Also, for those who are curious: As far as we outsiders are concerned, the baby is still an "it" for now. Sex organs do not become apparent until about 18 weeks, so you'll all have to wait for our January 11th appointment to find out the gender. This also assumes that the baby is less modest than my monkey, who was determined not to show us her bits in-utero. Modest little bugger. :P
The doctor ordered a glucose tolerance test for me that day too, which honestly I found kind of insulting. Yes, I'm a bit overweight, but I don't look like what the scale says I am. Anyway, I failed that test, so the doctor ordered a three-hour glucose tolerance test for me, which I was able to do locally. They took a vial of my blood to get a baseline for my sugars, then made me drink ten ounces of yuck (I now fully understand what a diabetic feels like when they try to drink non-diet soda. ICK!). Then they drew my blood three more times: once each hour after I drank the glucose crap. The results came back perfect. Huzzah!
So yesterday, we had another appointment. This one was an ultrasound as well as blood draw, as part of what the doctor called an "integrated test." It's a three-part test to determine chromosomal abnormalities. Yesterday they measured the nuchal fold at the back of the baby's neck to make sure it isn't too thick (both the ultrasound tech and the doctor assured us that the nuchal fold measurement is not alarming, but that the results of the ultrasound have to be coupled with the results of the blood work to come up with a number which dictates risk factor for chromosomal abnormalities. In other words, we won't know for 2+ weeks.)
Anyway, the baby has ten fingers, ten toes, a head, a nose, a mouth, etc. It really is a little wiggle worm. It was squirming and opening and closing its mouth (practicing gulping and breathing with the amniotic fluid). It even yawned and waved its little hands around! It also did a 180-degree flip while the ultrasound was going on! The heart rate was 150 (smack dab in the middle of the range they dictate as "normal"), and the tech said it measured at 13 weeks, 1 day.
The doctor also said I am "perfect." In other words, he couldn't find anything wrong with me or the baby so far, and officially marked me down as a low-risk, normal pregnancy. It was also suggested, during our visit, yesterday, that a baby's size at birth tends to have more to do with the carrier's history than the baby's biological parents' genes. Which, if this is true, means that my IF can expect a good-sized baby, since my munchkin was 8lbs, 10oz at birth; 21 inches long, with a honkin' 13.5" head! Can we say level two episiotomy, folks? Whew!
Fortunately, they no longer let expectant mothers go more than 7 days over their due date, so this one will probably be closer to the 8lb mark if it does go late. Speaking of which, my due date is JUNE 8, 2011!
Also, for those who are curious: As far as we outsiders are concerned, the baby is still an "it" for now. Sex organs do not become apparent until about 18 weeks, so you'll all have to wait for our January 11th appointment to find out the gender. This also assumes that the baby is less modest than my monkey, who was determined not to show us her bits in-utero. Modest little bugger. :P
Friday, October 29, 2010
Work and sleep and puke
Well, not all the time anyway. Just once in a while. The nausea is getting old, though. I can't wait for the first trimester to be over with.
Had an ultrasound on October 21st to check on the baby's size and heart rate. The doctor said the Little Bean is right smack-dab where it ought to be as far as growth goes, and it has a good, solid, healthy heart rate of 129 beats per minute (as of that day. It increases as it grows, of course.) It was so cool to watch it wiggle with each beat. Unfortunately my I.F. wasn't able to make it to that appointment, but the IVF doctor has released me into the care of a regular obstetrician with the expectation that this will be a normal, healthy, singleton pregnancy.
So our first OB appointment is going to be November 9th. It's so much fun getting two completely separate people's schedules to coincide enough so we can both make it to the appointment. And the hubs is going to come, too. I wonder if the OB staff will think the two men are gay, since I made it clear that I'm a surrogate? :P Probably not, as hubs is very affectionate (have I mentioned that I LOVE that?) The OB is going to try to squeeze us in for another ultrasound that day, which will be nice for my I.F. since he wasn't able to make it to the seven-week one.
Had an ultrasound on October 21st to check on the baby's size and heart rate. The doctor said the Little Bean is right smack-dab where it ought to be as far as growth goes, and it has a good, solid, healthy heart rate of 129 beats per minute (as of that day. It increases as it grows, of course.) It was so cool to watch it wiggle with each beat. Unfortunately my I.F. wasn't able to make it to that appointment, but the IVF doctor has released me into the care of a regular obstetrician with the expectation that this will be a normal, healthy, singleton pregnancy.
So our first OB appointment is going to be November 9th. It's so much fun getting two completely separate people's schedules to coincide enough so we can both make it to the appointment. And the hubs is going to come, too. I wonder if the OB staff will think the two men are gay, since I made it clear that I'm a surrogate? :P Probably not, as hubs is very affectionate (have I mentioned that I LOVE that?) The OB is going to try to squeeze us in for another ultrasound that day, which will be nice for my I.F. since he wasn't able to make it to the seven-week one.
Monday, October 4, 2010
PREGNANT!!!
As of 3:00 Wednesday afternoon, I have confirmation of pregnancy! My hCG (pregnancy hormone) levels were at 89. This is a good number. I was asked to go back in for a second blood test three days later (Saturday). I was looking for hCG levels around 180+. They were at FIVE HUNDRED SIXTY THREE! A rise this dramatic in my hormone levels could mean either a ridiculously healthy baby or... *drum roll please*... Multiples. (No, I do not get to keep surplus babies.) My IF is still nervous and doesn't think he'll settle down about all this until after week 12. Admittedly, the first trimester is the most tentative, but I have faith in my bits. :)
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Transfer Complete.
Saturday 9/18/10 the hubs and I drove down to the Fertility Clinic for the embryo transfer. Everyone says it went very well. Personally, I think they could have been a LOT more gentle with the speculum (aka. COLD MEAN DUCK LIPS!) but if it results in a healthy baby, I can live with a little roughness in the girl bits.
Of course, now we play the waiting game, at which I am terrible. Every symptom, real or imagined, means something to me, and I will not be settled until 9/29/10 when I go up to the Big Hospital to have my blood drawn for pregnancy testing.
KEEP FINGERS CROSSED AND SEND ME LOTS OF STICKY VIBES AND BABY DUST!!!
Of course, now we play the waiting game, at which I am terrible. Every symptom, real or imagined, means something to me, and I will not be settled until 9/29/10 when I go up to the Big Hospital to have my blood drawn for pregnancy testing.
KEEP FINGERS CROSSED AND SEND ME LOTS OF STICKY VIBES AND BABY DUST!!!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Fun with Endometrium
Right. So as of last Wednesday my lining was at 5.2mm. They asked me to come back for yet ANOTHER ultrasound on Monday 9/13/10. At that appointment they measured my lining at 7.36mm. FINALLY! So not only was I at adequacy on Monday, I also got to spend the day with my stepmother, which was pleasant and fun and, as it always seems to be with the Foley Clan: HILARIOUS!
Therefore, the transfer is scheduled for Saturday 9/18/10. This is good! I just hope lots of people are willing to help my Mom and Pop get their trucks from Cali unpacked, because I will not only be out of town, but will probably have to take it easy for a few days, and that will make me a whole lot of useless lump.
More good news: We're all moved in to the new place! I have a little more to tuck away downstairs, and then have to put the bedroom in proper order, but for the most part, Mum and Pop should have no trouble getting their stuff in. WHEE!
Even more good news: My co-captain for the Relay for Life NordicStyle, the munchkin and I attended the first NordicStyle Committee meeting last night. I'm so psyched for this! We should have everyone's roles sorted out within a couple of weeks, and our next meeting is next month! -hop, bounce- Not only that, but the munchkin and my widdle sister are hoping to start their own team! -GWEE!-
Um... Lessee... My sister-in-law got her tickets to see Wicked in December, and I'm hoping to get ours pretty soon too, so we can all go to Broadway together when we visit for the holidays. HUZZAH!
Err... I think that's all I've got for now. Pretty good stuff this time around! Keep fingers crossed for Saturday!!!
Therefore, the transfer is scheduled for Saturday 9/18/10. This is good! I just hope lots of people are willing to help my Mom and Pop get their trucks from Cali unpacked, because I will not only be out of town, but will probably have to take it easy for a few days, and that will make me a whole lot of useless lump.
More good news: We're all moved in to the new place! I have a little more to tuck away downstairs, and then have to put the bedroom in proper order, but for the most part, Mum and Pop should have no trouble getting their stuff in. WHEE!
Even more good news: My co-captain for the Relay for Life NordicStyle, the munchkin and I attended the first NordicStyle Committee meeting last night. I'm so psyched for this! We should have everyone's roles sorted out within a couple of weeks, and our next meeting is next month! -hop, bounce- Not only that, but the munchkin and my widdle sister are hoping to start their own team! -GWEE!-
Um... Lessee... My sister-in-law got her tickets to see Wicked in December, and I'm hoping to get ours pretty soon too, so we can all go to Broadway together when we visit for the holidays. HUZZAH!
Err... I think that's all I've got for now. Pretty good stuff this time around! Keep fingers crossed for Saturday!!!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Lining
Monday 8/30/10 I went up to the big hospital and had my endometrial lining measured to see how well it was progressing under the effects of the estrogen I'm taking. It measured at 1.4mm. According to the nurse at the clinic, it should have been at about 7mm after 8 days. Needless to say this resulted in my feeling inadequate and otherwise blah. My wonderful hubs, however, decided that this was not to be borne. So he spent about half an hour explaining the "magic" of the female reproductive system. Apparently there is a pixie duck (the result of misspeaking when trying to say "pixie dust" and just going with the mistake) that rules everything having to do with my vagina. It oversees the elves that live in my ovaries and mine my eggs so that they can load microscopic cannons at the entrance to my fallopian tubes and shoot the eggs down them once a month. Except that the liopleurodon (dinosaur - see post from August 12, 2010) has been storming through my ovaries, stomping and killing the ovarian elves faster than they can reproduce; which has made life very hard on the pixie duck.
Anyway, the nurse at the clinic instructed me to start taking my estrogen pills three times a day instead of two, and take them vaginally. This has resulted in my conviction that I am becoming a Smurf from the girl-bits, out. The pixie duck finds this confusing.
As a result of my new found Smurfdom, my endometrial lining grew 3.8mm over the course of three and a half days. As of a little before 3:00pm yesterday, my uterine lining measured at 5.2mm. The nurse and the doctor at the clinic, as well as my I.F. are all very pleased by the progress my Smurfiness has made and figure that I'll be at adequacy by Monday or Tuesday.
I have also been scheduled for yet another ultrasound down at the clinic on Wednesday morning, so that will be a lovely 6+ hour round trip. Ah, well; I figured I'd have to do some traveling for all this anyway. It's supposed to be a full-obstetrical ultrasound, whatever that entails. I'll post details when I get back from it.
Oh, and one more thing: Assuming everything is still going well on Wednesday, we're looking at an embryo transfer date sometime around September 12th. HUZZAH!
Anyway, the nurse at the clinic instructed me to start taking my estrogen pills three times a day instead of two, and take them vaginally. This has resulted in my conviction that I am becoming a Smurf from the girl-bits, out. The pixie duck finds this confusing.
As a result of my new found Smurfdom, my endometrial lining grew 3.8mm over the course of three and a half days. As of a little before 3:00pm yesterday, my uterine lining measured at 5.2mm. The nurse and the doctor at the clinic, as well as my I.F. are all very pleased by the progress my Smurfiness has made and figure that I'll be at adequacy by Monday or Tuesday.
I have also been scheduled for yet another ultrasound down at the clinic on Wednesday morning, so that will be a lovely 6+ hour round trip. Ah, well; I figured I'd have to do some traveling for all this anyway. It's supposed to be a full-obstetrical ultrasound, whatever that entails. I'll post details when I get back from it.
Oh, and one more thing: Assuming everything is still going well on Wednesday, we're looking at an embryo transfer date sometime around September 12th. HUZZAH!
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Estrogen
Alllrighty then! I started taking Estrace and Vivelle today (estrogen). Hoh boy! Yep. This is gonna be interesting. I have become a needy, clingy, weepy mess. Already. Hope everyone's willing to be ready with lots of hugs and stuff, because I'm gonna need it. Which sucks, because I don't like not being in control of my emotions. At. All. Especially given the fact that a lot of the people around me have it way worse right now.
So to counteract my current mopey-ness, I'm going to write a list of things for which I am happy and thankful.
1.) I have an amazing, wonderful family.
a.) My husband is affectionate and thoughtful and loving and patient and considerate and all around the perfect man for me.
b.) My daughter is intelligent and beautiful and creative and talented and compassionate and I am the luckiest Mom in the world to call her my own.
c.) My mom is the epitome of all that is mother. She is unconditionally loving and supportive and patient and I'm blessed to call her Mommy.
d.) My dad is wonderfully geeky and fun and loving and supportive and generous and I'm so glad he's part of my life.
2.) I have a good job that pays fairly well and a boss with whom I can get along and who helps me out and sticks her neck out for me.
3.) I have a roof over my head and food in my kitchen.
4.) I have friends who love and support me even when I go hormone-crazy.
5.) My I.F. is a kind, considerate man who's going to make a wonderful father and who has continually kept mine and my family's best interests in mind and at heart.
6.) I have a still-relatively-new car that runs well and gets us where we need to go.
7.) I have a bicycle which gets me to and from work and lets me get exercise.
8.) I have clothes to keep me warm and not-naked.
9.) I have computers, TV and phones, which keep me entertained, informed and in touch.
10.) My mom and dad are strange enough to want to share a living quarters with me.
I think that'll do for now. Gotta get back to Mum and dinner.
So to counteract my current mopey-ness, I'm going to write a list of things for which I am happy and thankful.
1.) I have an amazing, wonderful family.
a.) My husband is affectionate and thoughtful and loving and patient and considerate and all around the perfect man for me.
b.) My daughter is intelligent and beautiful and creative and talented and compassionate and I am the luckiest Mom in the world to call her my own.
c.) My mom is the epitome of all that is mother. She is unconditionally loving and supportive and patient and I'm blessed to call her Mommy.
d.) My dad is wonderfully geeky and fun and loving and supportive and generous and I'm so glad he's part of my life.
2.) I have a good job that pays fairly well and a boss with whom I can get along and who helps me out and sticks her neck out for me.
3.) I have a roof over my head and food in my kitchen.
4.) I have friends who love and support me even when I go hormone-crazy.
5.) My I.F. is a kind, considerate man who's going to make a wonderful father and who has continually kept mine and my family's best interests in mind and at heart.
6.) I have a still-relatively-new car that runs well and gets us where we need to go.
7.) I have a bicycle which gets me to and from work and lets me get exercise.
8.) I have clothes to keep me warm and not-naked.
9.) I have computers, TV and phones, which keep me entertained, informed and in touch.
10.) My mom and dad are strange enough to want to share a living quarters with me.
I think that'll do for now. Gotta get back to Mum and dinner.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Dinosaur Shots
This evening I administered my very first injection of leuprolide acetate (mistakenly read by one of my dearest friends as "liopleurodon shots"). I now refer to them, in her honor, as Dinosaur Shots.
Anyway, yeah. First shot. I had myself all worked up that it was gonna suck big time. I've been led to believe that shots are evil and horrible and, well, you get the point. I barely felt a thing. Mind you, I am almost thirty-one, and others in my life have had to give themselves twice daily injections since childhood. That would traumatize the crap out of me where needles are concerned, too. I would not ever try to imply that they have had it easy. Jabbing oneself twice daily from the age of seven or even twelve would not be my choice of morning and evening activities.
Of course, my belly does feel a little strange where I poked myself and it's a little red, but if that's the worst I have to suffer before actual labor, I'd say I'm in pretty good shape.
Anyway, yeah. First shot. I had myself all worked up that it was gonna suck big time. I've been led to believe that shots are evil and horrible and, well, you get the point. I barely felt a thing. Mind you, I am almost thirty-one, and others in my life have had to give themselves twice daily injections since childhood. That would traumatize the crap out of me where needles are concerned, too. I would not ever try to imply that they have had it easy. Jabbing oneself twice daily from the age of seven or even twelve would not be my choice of morning and evening activities.
Of course, my belly does feel a little strange where I poked myself and it's a little red, but if that's the worst I have to suffer before actual labor, I'd say I'm in pretty good shape.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Scrips and Stuff
We have finally got the contracts finalized, signed, notarized and the agency has given the clinic "legal clearance" to proceed. The clinic's pharmacy overnighted my meds to me last night, and the clinic has emailed my instructions. They are as follows:
These directions are complex. Please read them thoroughly prior to starting your cycle. Call our office if any of the instructions seem unclear to you.
1. Begin birth control pills as directed. Stay on active pills only.
2. Begin 10 units of Lupron on 8/10/10. Take the Lupron each night between 6 and 9 pm.
3. Take your last birth control pill on 8/16/10. Continue to take the 10 units of Lupron each night. You should get a period approximately 3-4 days after stopping the birth control pill.
4. Call with your period. If your period starts over the weekend, call the donor egg nurses on Monday morning, but begin taking the estrogen once your period starts anyway.
5. Start estrogen after speaking with a donor egg nurse (unless you start your period on a weekend, in which case start the estrogen once your period has begun, and call the clinic on Monday). You have two forms of estrogen: Estrace, which is a 2 mg oral tablet, and Vivelle, which is a skin patch.
a. Estrace is taken twice a day, 1 tablet in the morning, 1 tablet in the evening.
b. Vivelle is changed every three days. Keep the Vivelle on for a full three days, and change it on the morning of the fourth day. You will remain on these medications throughout the cycle, and into the first trimester, if you are pregnant.
c. Continue to take the 10 units of Lupron each night.
6. You will have an ultrasound after you have been on the Estrace and Vivelle for 7-9 days. This is done to measure your uterine lining. We may increase your dose of Estrace based on your ultrasound results.
7. Progesterone: Begin the Crinone vaginal gel on the evening of the donor’s egg retrieval. A Boston IVF nurse will call you with this date. You will be instructed to stop your Lupron at this time.
8. On the day after your initial progesterone dose you will continue progesterone twice daily using Crinone. The medication should be administered morning and night.
At this point you should be taking:
Estrace, twice a day
Vivelle patch, every three days
Progesterone: Crinone twice a day
You will be given a date and time for the embryo transfer by a (clinic) nurse.
You will have a pregnancy test scheduled 11 days after the embryo transfer.
Do not stop any medications unless instructed to by a (clinic) nurse or Physician.
Good luck!
These directions are complex. Please read them thoroughly prior to starting your cycle. Call our office if any of the instructions seem unclear to you.
1. Begin birth control pills as directed. Stay on active pills only.
2. Begin 10 units of Lupron on 8/10/10. Take the Lupron each night between 6 and 9 pm.
3. Take your last birth control pill on 8/16/10. Continue to take the 10 units of Lupron each night. You should get a period approximately 3-4 days after stopping the birth control pill.
4. Call with your period. If your period starts over the weekend, call the donor egg nurses on Monday morning, but begin taking the estrogen once your period starts anyway.
5. Start estrogen after speaking with a donor egg nurse (unless you start your period on a weekend, in which case start the estrogen once your period has begun, and call the clinic on Monday). You have two forms of estrogen: Estrace, which is a 2 mg oral tablet, and Vivelle, which is a skin patch.
a. Estrace is taken twice a day, 1 tablet in the morning, 1 tablet in the evening.
b. Vivelle is changed every three days. Keep the Vivelle on for a full three days, and change it on the morning of the fourth day. You will remain on these medications throughout the cycle, and into the first trimester, if you are pregnant.
c. Continue to take the 10 units of Lupron each night.
6. You will have an ultrasound after you have been on the Estrace and Vivelle for 7-9 days. This is done to measure your uterine lining. We may increase your dose of Estrace based on your ultrasound results.
7. Progesterone: Begin the Crinone vaginal gel on the evening of the donor’s egg retrieval. A Boston IVF nurse will call you with this date. You will be instructed to stop your Lupron at this time.
8. On the day after your initial progesterone dose you will continue progesterone twice daily using Crinone. The medication should be administered morning and night.
At this point you should be taking:
Estrace, twice a day
Vivelle patch, every three days
Progesterone: Crinone twice a day
You will be given a date and time for the embryo transfer by a (clinic) nurse.
You will have a pregnancy test scheduled 11 days after the embryo transfer.
Do not stop any medications unless instructed to by a (clinic) nurse or Physician.
Good luck!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Snail's Pace
I’ve heard back from my IF. He’s had his genetic testing, and the test results confirm that he is not a carrier of Mucolipidosis Type IV. So we know there’s less likelihood of the baby getting it. This is good news. Our egg donor, however, is out of the country on vacation this month, so no hope of beginning the cycling process till August at least.
I did hear back from the lawyer, as well. We went over the contract, he suggested some changes and we fixed a couple of typos (Hee hee!) I’m not sure when the agency will get it back and what kind of responses they’ll have to our responses, but I hope it doesn’t take long. Legalese makes me twitchy.
To be perfectly honest, I’m getting a little annoyed at how long all of this seems to be taking. I signed on with this agency almost a year ago (September, 2009) and we still don’t even have a timeline for when the cycling is supposed to begin. Don’t get me wrong; I want to do this. I’m excited to do it; I think that’s part of the reason I’m getting so annoyed. It’s hard to wait for an undetermined length of time for something I’m really psyched for. Hopefully we’ll hear SOMETHING has become concrete soon.
I did hear back from the lawyer, as well. We went over the contract, he suggested some changes and we fixed a couple of typos (Hee hee!) I’m not sure when the agency will get it back and what kind of responses they’ll have to our responses, but I hope it doesn’t take long. Legalese makes me twitchy.
To be perfectly honest, I’m getting a little annoyed at how long all of this seems to be taking. I signed on with this agency almost a year ago (September, 2009) and we still don’t even have a timeline for when the cycling is supposed to begin. Don’t get me wrong; I want to do this. I’m excited to do it; I think that’s part of the reason I’m getting so annoyed. It’s hard to wait for an undetermined length of time for something I’m really psyched for. Hopefully we’ll hear SOMETHING has become concrete soon.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Moving Forward Some More
I got an email from my IF on Thursday letting me know that our egg donor has passed all of her medical screenings. Huzzah! She is, however, a carrier for Mucolipidosis, Type IV. It's a very rare disorder that affects vision, etc. This means nothing for her, as she's simply a carrier; she doesn't have it. However, the clinic has advised my IF to get checked to see if he's a carrier for it as well. This won't affect the surrogacy even if he is a carrier; it just means he'll have to go see a genetic counselor.
So hopefully I'll hear from the clinic this week as far as when the egg donor and I should start our respective "cycling" medications.
On a more frustrating note, it seems that the lawyer I specified to review the contract on my behalf is dragging his feet. I checked with the agency nearly two weeks ago and they said they had sent the contract out the previous week. So I emailed the lawyer who responded that the contract had in fact arrived and that I would hear from him within the week. Two weeks later, not a peep. -grumble-
So hopefully I'll hear from the clinic this week as far as when the egg donor and I should start our respective "cycling" medications.
On a more frustrating note, it seems that the lawyer I specified to review the contract on my behalf is dragging his feet. I checked with the agency nearly two weeks ago and they said they had sent the contract out the previous week. So I emailed the lawyer who responded that the contract had in fact arrived and that I would hear from him within the week. Two weeks later, not a peep. -grumble-
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Anxiety and Hope All Rolled Into One
Our egg donor's test results are supposed to be back this week! I'm going crazy waiting to hear!
Monday, June 7, 2010
News and Bills
Got a bill today from the IVF clinic wanting a large sum for the medical screening we did back in May. Of course our IF paid for the services right there at the clinic, so there shouldn't have been a bill. I called to find out what was going on, and long story short, as my IF so aptly put it, the right hand wasn't communicating clearly with the left. Just to make sure he was kept abreast of the situation though, I emailed him about it.
He responded quickly and let me know that not only had he paid for the services, he had a receipt he could show them if they needed it. He also informed me that our egg donor goes in for her screening TOMORROW! And we should have her results back, hopefully, in about 2 weeks. After that, the head nurse from the IVF clinic will call me to let me know when our egg donor and I will start cycling and how.
Huzzah! This is real and is actually happening!
He responded quickly and let me know that not only had he paid for the services, he had a receipt he could show them if they needed it. He also informed me that our egg donor goes in for her screening TOMORROW! And we should have her results back, hopefully, in about 2 weeks. After that, the head nurse from the IVF clinic will call me to let me know when our egg donor and I will start cycling and how.
Huzzah! This is real and is actually happening!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Scares and Reassurance
Two weeks ago today I got a phone call from the GC coordinator at the clinic. She said she got the results of my lab work back. So of course, I was all excited to hear that I had passed the exams. What she said, however, was nothing like what I had expected. She told me I had Chlamydia. I. Freaked. Out. I have never once in my life had an STI, and since the hubs has never been with anyone but me, there was no chance I had gotten it from him. Well, the coordinator told me that they've been getting a lot of false-positives on that particular test lately, and they were having their lab equipment checked, but said she needed me and the hubs to get checked locally, just to be sure.
Needless to say within an hour of that phone call, he and I were in our local clinic waiting to go give samples. The provider was very sweet and did her best to reassure me that it was not unlikely, given my clean history, that a false-positive was what we had, but that she would let us know for sure once she got the test results back.
Last Friday, she called us to tell us that our results had come in and that neither the hubs nor I had Chlamydia. She faxed the lab printout to the clinic, and I got word from our Intended Father this week that we have all passed our medical and psychological exams, and that we just need to wait for our egg donor to be screened.
PHEW!
Needless to say within an hour of that phone call, he and I were in our local clinic waiting to go give samples. The provider was very sweet and did her best to reassure me that it was not unlikely, given my clean history, that a false-positive was what we had, but that she would let us know for sure once she got the test results back.
Last Friday, she called us to tell us that our results had come in and that neither the hubs nor I had Chlamydia. She faxed the lab printout to the clinic, and I got word from our Intended Father this week that we have all passed our medical and psychological exams, and that we just need to wait for our egg donor to be screened.
PHEW!
Friday, May 14, 2010
Testing Complete
The hubs and I went down to the clinic Wednesday morning for psychological testing. Well, I was tested. He got to sit around in the waiting room and play with his computer and read books. They actually had me do (no joke) a Rorschach test. I thought those things were outmoded years ago! Then, they had me do the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory (MMPI-2). I'm sorry, but unless you're completely oblivious, there's no way you can't see what the test is trying to do. It would have been easier to just ask me, "Are you a kleptomaniac? Are you a nymphomaniac? Are you a pyromaniac? Are you an alcoholic? Are you a pathological liar? Are you manic depressive? Are you suicidal? And last but not least, are you a hypochondriac?" Umm... No, no, no, no, no, no, no and no.
In the afternoon, me, the hubs and our IF drove to one of the clinic's satellite locations. Of course, my Google directions (GOOGLE! I have lost my faith in you!) were faulty and because of that, we got lost. We stopped at a gas station to ask directions (because here, you can ask pretty much any convenience store clerk how to get somewhere nearby and they can tell you), but the girl behind the counter was clueless. Fortunately, Verizon offers 24 hours of GPS service on their phones for a one-time charge of $2.99. Hooray for that! On the up side, we got to spend some quality time with our IF and I think the experience helped build trust and rapport.
Anyway, at the satellite location, they did an SIS (saline infused sonohystogram). This involved the doctor inserting a small catheter through my cervix and filling my uterus with saline solution. Once my uterus was full, the doctor used an ultrasound wand to do an internal ultrasound. The purpose of this was to determine whether my uterus had any scar tissue, cysts or polyps that might prevent proper implantation of an embryo. The doctor declared that my womb is in great shape, and gave me, the hubs and our IF an overview of the implantation process.
We spent the night in an inexpensive but clean and comfortable hotel; watched Law & Order SVU and Man vs. Food and had a nice quiet dinner together. Thursday (yesterday) morning, we had blood drawn and gave samples for urinalysis, then met with the clinic's social worker to go over our family and psychological histories. The meetings with her went very well (according to our IF, who is very open and honest and reported everything he was told about us LOL) and we found that we are in agreement on every major issue and concern that might arise.
We had lunch at a lovely local restaurant and enjoyed a nice long chat with our IF. He really is a fantastic person, and is totally committed to us and to this process. I think we really may find ourselves blessed with a wonderful, lifelong friend.
In the afternoon, we met with the head nurse at the clinic and were given an overview of the preparation process; the drugs I'll need to take, how to administer them; the time line for it all, etc. She really knows her stuff and seems to be very well organized. Fortunately, since the kiddo's father as well as a long-time friend of mine are diabetic and have to give regular injections, I've been given the chance to learn to administer injections ahead of time and don't have issues with needles. Anyway, by the sounds of it, the egg donor's and my cycles are already being synced up via our birth control pills. Once we've all cleared the screening process, I'll be taking Leuprolide Acetate (Lupron) as a subcutaneous injection in the evenings, as well as Estrogen in the form of pills and patches. The same night that our egg donor goes through the egg retrieval process, I'll stop taking the Leuprolide Acetate and begin administering Progesterone gel. I'll have an ultrasound very shortly after I start taking the Progesterone to check the thickness of my uterine lining and make sure that it's sufficient to accept an embryo. If it isn't, I'll be given an extra dose of Estrogen for a day or two, and then I'll be called in to have the fertilized eggs implanted. They'll only be implanting two, as more than that raises the chance of a triplet pregnancy, which is not desirable to anyone. About two weeks after the implantation, I'll take a home pregnancy test and report the results to the clinic. If the results are positive, I'll make an appointment to go in and have an ultrasound and blood tests done to confirm pregnancy. I'll continue to take the Progesterone gel and the Estrogen pills and patches through most of the first trimester (about 10 weeks) to ensure that my body doesn't reject the embryos.
There. I think that covers it and I hope I got all the information right. I'll correct it later if I find out I'm wrong.
In the afternoon, me, the hubs and our IF drove to one of the clinic's satellite locations. Of course, my Google directions (GOOGLE! I have lost my faith in you!) were faulty and because of that, we got lost. We stopped at a gas station to ask directions (because here, you can ask pretty much any convenience store clerk how to get somewhere nearby and they can tell you), but the girl behind the counter was clueless. Fortunately, Verizon offers 24 hours of GPS service on their phones for a one-time charge of $2.99. Hooray for that! On the up side, we got to spend some quality time with our IF and I think the experience helped build trust and rapport.
Anyway, at the satellite location, they did an SIS (saline infused sonohystogram). This involved the doctor inserting a small catheter through my cervix and filling my uterus with saline solution. Once my uterus was full, the doctor used an ultrasound wand to do an internal ultrasound. The purpose of this was to determine whether my uterus had any scar tissue, cysts or polyps that might prevent proper implantation of an embryo. The doctor declared that my womb is in great shape, and gave me, the hubs and our IF an overview of the implantation process.
We spent the night in an inexpensive but clean and comfortable hotel; watched Law & Order SVU and Man vs. Food and had a nice quiet dinner together. Thursday (yesterday) morning, we had blood drawn and gave samples for urinalysis, then met with the clinic's social worker to go over our family and psychological histories. The meetings with her went very well (according to our IF, who is very open and honest and reported everything he was told about us LOL) and we found that we are in agreement on every major issue and concern that might arise.
We had lunch at a lovely local restaurant and enjoyed a nice long chat with our IF. He really is a fantastic person, and is totally committed to us and to this process. I think we really may find ourselves blessed with a wonderful, lifelong friend.
In the afternoon, we met with the head nurse at the clinic and were given an overview of the preparation process; the drugs I'll need to take, how to administer them; the time line for it all, etc. She really knows her stuff and seems to be very well organized. Fortunately, since the kiddo's father as well as a long-time friend of mine are diabetic and have to give regular injections, I've been given the chance to learn to administer injections ahead of time and don't have issues with needles. Anyway, by the sounds of it, the egg donor's and my cycles are already being synced up via our birth control pills. Once we've all cleared the screening process, I'll be taking Leuprolide Acetate (Lupron) as a subcutaneous injection in the evenings, as well as Estrogen in the form of pills and patches. The same night that our egg donor goes through the egg retrieval process, I'll stop taking the Leuprolide Acetate and begin administering Progesterone gel. I'll have an ultrasound very shortly after I start taking the Progesterone to check the thickness of my uterine lining and make sure that it's sufficient to accept an embryo. If it isn't, I'll be given an extra dose of Estrogen for a day or two, and then I'll be called in to have the fertilized eggs implanted. They'll only be implanting two, as more than that raises the chance of a triplet pregnancy, which is not desirable to anyone. About two weeks after the implantation, I'll take a home pregnancy test and report the results to the clinic. If the results are positive, I'll make an appointment to go in and have an ultrasound and blood tests done to confirm pregnancy. I'll continue to take the Progesterone gel and the Estrogen pills and patches through most of the first trimester (about 10 weeks) to ensure that my body doesn't reject the embryos.
There. I think that covers it and I hope I got all the information right. I'll correct it later if I find out I'm wrong.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Medical Screening & Contracts
After all kinds of waffling and back-and-forth, we finally have a date for medical screenings at the IVF clinic. We will be going down probably the morning of the 12th; being tested that day and spending the night; being tested some more on the 13th and then coming home.
UPDATE:
I just got the schedule from the clinic. I have redacted all identifying information that isn't mine.
MAY 12 – (FIRST LOCATION) OFFICE
9:00 – 12:00 – (IF) to meet with social work counselor
9:00 – 10:00 – Erica to meet with clinical psychologist
10:00 – 11:30 – Erica to do MMPI test– ask for (coordinator)
11:30-2:30 – Drive to (SECOND LOCATION) OFFICE and eat lunch on the way
2:30 – 2:45 – Erica and Husband to meet with (Doctor) – Erica to have SIS (uterine ultrasound) and H&P (physical exam)
2:45 – 3:15 – (IF) to meet with (Doctor)
3:15 – 3:30 – group meeting with (Doctor)
MAY 13 – (FIRST LOCATION) OFFICE ONLY
8:30 – 9:00 – Erica and Husband to have blood drawn/ urine tested
2:45 – 3:15 – (IF) to meet with (Doctor)
3:15 – 3:30 – group meeting with (Doctor)
MAY 13 – (FIRST LOCATION) OFFICE ONLY
8:30 – 9:00 – Erica and Husband to have blood drawn/ urine tested
9:00 – 11:30 – Erica and Husband to meet with social work counselor
11:30 – 1:00 – everyone to meet with social work counselor
1:00 – 2:30 – Lunch break
2:30 – 3:30 – everyone to meet with (nurse) – witness consents, FDA questionnaire (IF), medication instructions for Erica, cycle review
11:30 – 1:00 – everyone to meet with social work counselor
1:00 – 2:30 – Lunch break
2:30 – 3:30 – everyone to meet with (nurse) – witness consents, FDA questionnaire (IF), medication instructions for Erica, cycle review
==================================================================================
Also, I finally found the time to scan our pay stubs and send them down to the agency so they can finish writing up the contract. (Both the hubs and I will be reimbursed for any lost wages having to do with the pregnancy or implantation process.)
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Moving Forward
I got a phone call from the gestational carrier coordinator at the clinic yesterday, asking about a couple of dates the hubs and I will be available to do our medical screenings. It's going to take two consecutive days to do it, so it looks like we'll be staying overnight. The dates proposed by our IF were May 3-4 and May 13-14. We can't do May 3-4 because we'll just be getting back from visiting the in-laws, but I told the coordinator that May 13-14 will work. Heh; maybe they'll change it to May 24-25 and we can relax a bit in honor of our first anniversary.
I'm also being started on a birth control pill to regulate my cycle tonight. This pill is called Aviane. I'm picking it up tonight. We'll see how that goes.
I'm also being started on a birth control pill to regulate my cycle tonight. This pill is called Aviane. I'm picking it up tonight. We'll see how that goes.
Monday, March 15, 2010
Hoops
I got an email from the carrier coordinator today, and it turns out that my IF is fine with the hoops my employer has chosen to ask us to jump through. Now to wait for the agency to send me their written response.
I also got an email this weekend from my IF saying that my medical pre-screening (i.e. review of my records) went very well, and that we should be meeting with the clinic for our full screenings in a month or two. Yeah, they screen the hubs as well. I guess it's two consecutive days of screening, but I'm assuming that the costs are covered by the agency or our IF. Either way, we'll make it happen.
I somehow need to figure out a way to approach the Commissioner about this whole thing too, since it technically counts as a second job. Not quite sure how I'll word that, but I suppose if I wrack my brain hard enough, I'll come up with something eloquent and diplomatic. Meh.
I also got an email this weekend from my IF saying that my medical pre-screening (i.e. review of my records) went very well, and that we should be meeting with the clinic for our full screenings in a month or two. Yeah, they screen the hubs as well. I guess it's two consecutive days of screening, but I'm assuming that the costs are covered by the agency or our IF. Either way, we'll make it happen.
I somehow need to figure out a way to approach the Commissioner about this whole thing too, since it technically counts as a second job. Not quite sure how I'll word that, but I suppose if I wrack my brain hard enough, I'll come up with something eloquent and diplomatic. Meh.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Still Waiting...
I got an email from the agency's carrier coordinator today saying that she hopes to have the response for my employers to me today or tomorrow. Obviously today is over with, so perhaps tomorrow I'll have it. She was kind enough to reassure me that everything looked fine, and that the proverbial hoops set forth by my bosses should pose no problems. Which means that I should also be hearing from the coordinator soon regarding certain parts of the contract that need to be discussed, which in turn means that the hubs and I should be heading to Massachusetts soon for medical and psychological screenings.
On top of all that, I've gotten back into riding my bike to and from work, which means about 8 miles round trip and somewhere around an hour's worth of exercise every day. I had noticed that my waist had thickened again, which is discouraging as all get out, and I need to do something about it. On top of exercising, therefore, I'm going back to re-learning to eat. Instead of gorging, I'm limiting myself to FDA recommended serving sizes, with healthier foods and more than just 3 a day. My hope is that this will boost my metabolism and help me keep weight off; not to mention get me into good habits. I'm not a diet kind of girl, but I don't like being this big, and I don't want to do it anymore. So I'm gonna do it the right way, dammit!
On top of all that, I've gotten back into riding my bike to and from work, which means about 8 miles round trip and somewhere around an hour's worth of exercise every day. I had noticed that my waist had thickened again, which is discouraging as all get out, and I need to do something about it. On top of exercising, therefore, I'm going back to re-learning to eat. Instead of gorging, I'm limiting myself to FDA recommended serving sizes, with healthier foods and more than just 3 a day. My hope is that this will boost my metabolism and help me keep weight off; not to mention get me into good habits. I'm not a diet kind of girl, but I don't like being this big, and I don't want to do it anymore. So I'm gonna do it the right way, dammit!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Getting the Okay
As it turns out, being employed by my employer limits some of the activities in which I get to engage. Fortunately, surrogacy doesn't seem to be one of those things. After much research, one of my employer's attorneys has informed me that while I will need to jump through an easy hoop or two, they feel that they can give their blessing on the endeavor. Of course, since all of this was done in legal-ese, I have submitted the proposal, etc. to the surrogacy agency for review (both by the agency's attorneys and most likely with my Intended Father), to ensure that everyone agrees that this is acceptable.
The major "hoops" seem to be that the contract into which I enter must also be submitted to my employer, but with all personally identifying identification (PII) redacted, to preserve privacy. On top of that, someone needs to assure my employer that my IF does not work for my employer, do business directly with my employer, have any federal convictions or other convictions dealing with children. And since the agency does criminal background checks on all parties with which it associates, I'm sure that a statement to that effect won't be hard to come by.
I should also be hearing from the carrier coordinator early this week about fees, I guess, and about what the attorneys have to say about the caveats stated by my employer.
The major "hoops" seem to be that the contract into which I enter must also be submitted to my employer, but with all personally identifying identification (PII) redacted, to preserve privacy. On top of that, someone needs to assure my employer that my IF does not work for my employer, do business directly with my employer, have any federal convictions or other convictions dealing with children. And since the agency does criminal background checks on all parties with which it associates, I'm sure that a statement to that effect won't be hard to come by.
I should also be hearing from the carrier coordinator early this week about fees, I guess, and about what the attorneys have to say about the caveats stated by my employer.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Education
I've decided to get educated. In several ways. First, I ordered "What to Expect When You're Expecting." Yes, I read it way back when I was pregnant with my Pooka, but it's changed and my copy was lost to another pregger long ago. I also ordered a book for the hubs called "Breathe: A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy." It seems to be written in the kind of language that hubby will find entertaining enough to keep him reading/learning. Huzzah!
I've also decided that it's time to start learning how to take better care of myself. I mean, I bathe regularly, I eat properly (most of the time), but I don't pamper myself and I CERTAINLY don't go out of my way to try to feel pretty. Two of my dear, dear friends went out with me for pedicures and manicures the other day; then we went out window shopping for shoes and/or jewelry for me. I didn't end up getting anything the other day as the Pooka and a friend of hers were also along for the ride. BUT! I did pick up a couple things today on my own, so that's a start.
On top of that, I have applied to community college to get a head start on a nursing degree. The plan is to start getting the basics out of the way now, so that when we do move to Illinois, I can just transfer my credits to a nursing program out there; and then do midwifery training after that; thus making me a nurse-midwife and legally license-able in pretty much any state I choose to live in, and I can work in or out of hospitals. This decision came after lengthy discussions with hubs and some friends, and honestly, I think the Universe just didn't agree with the idea of direct-entry midwifery for me. So be it. Heh.
I've also decided that it's time to start learning how to take better care of myself. I mean, I bathe regularly, I eat properly (most of the time), but I don't pamper myself and I CERTAINLY don't go out of my way to try to feel pretty. Two of my dear, dear friends went out with me for pedicures and manicures the other day; then we went out window shopping for shoes and/or jewelry for me. I didn't end up getting anything the other day as the Pooka and a friend of hers were also along for the ride. BUT! I did pick up a couple things today on my own, so that's a start.
On top of that, I have applied to community college to get a head start on a nursing degree. The plan is to start getting the basics out of the way now, so that when we do move to Illinois, I can just transfer my credits to a nursing program out there; and then do midwifery training after that; thus making me a nurse-midwife and legally license-able in pretty much any state I choose to live in, and I can work in or out of hospitals. This decision came after lengthy discussions with hubs and some friends, and honestly, I think the Universe just didn't agree with the idea of direct-entry midwifery for me. So be it. Heh.
Friday, February 19, 2010
Running Out of Even Partially Clever Titles
I got an email from the carrier coordinator today after traveling out into "the field" for work this morning. My IF (intended father) should be finishing his paperwork up this coming week and once that's done, my medical records will be sent to the fertility clinic for review. That should take about three weeks. In the meantime, I'm going to get a call from the coordinator on March 1st or 2nd to talk about fees, etc., and then a contract will be sent to the attorney I've specified I want to work with, along with payment for his services. Once he's got the information, he'll contact me to go over it, and send it back. I assume that will coincide with the completion of the review of my medical records by the clinic. These guys seem to have things pretty well timed/laid out.
Admittedly, I'm anxious to get things rolling, but at least I have a time line now. YAY!
Admittedly, I'm anxious to get things rolling, but at least I have a time line now. YAY!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Next Steps And Other Things
I got an email from my IF (intended father) yesterday, letting me know that the egg donor whose answer he was awaiting has agreed to work with him! YAY! Now I guess it's just a waiting game to see when we start the screening and contract processes.
I can't even begin to say how cool this is; to finally get beyond the matching process. Of course, the clinic may find something about me that isn't good enough, but I doubt it. I'm in good overall health, I'm losing size (I don't care about the weight factor; I've always technically classified as "overweight" [read: with a 36" bust, 28" waist and 36" hips, I hovered near 150 lbs]).
Another up for this week: a dear friend who's being deployed at the end of the month has come early to visit! We stayed up for a good long time last night chatting and enjoying one another's company. I'll miss her plenty when she leaves, but I'm so glad for a chance to see her before she does. And she's promised to send me her address when she gets settled in so I can send her care packages and write to her, etc.
A downer, however, is that my oldest friend's grandmother is dying. She has lung cancer and the doctors aren't sure if it's metastasized to her brain. Another family member reported that she had had an incident where she was certain that renegades had taken over the nursing home where she's receiving care. My friend was a little hesitant about visiting if gram was still in that state, and since I had promised to visit again anyway, she asked if I'd go with her. Fortunately gram was fairly lucid except for one quick instant, and she seems to be fairly comfortable and has accepted her circumstances most gracefully. At one point, she told me and my friend that she wants us there with her when she dies. So I grinned at her and asked, "Alright, have you got a date set for it yet?" That made both of them laugh, and then she told us that it's nice to have people she can talk to, comfortably, about dying. And she asked to meet my husband, so I told her we'd stop by tonight.
I can't even begin to say how cool this is; to finally get beyond the matching process. Of course, the clinic may find something about me that isn't good enough, but I doubt it. I'm in good overall health, I'm losing size (I don't care about the weight factor; I've always technically classified as "overweight" [read: with a 36" bust, 28" waist and 36" hips, I hovered near 150 lbs]).
Another up for this week: a dear friend who's being deployed at the end of the month has come early to visit! We stayed up for a good long time last night chatting and enjoying one another's company. I'll miss her plenty when she leaves, but I'm so glad for a chance to see her before she does. And she's promised to send me her address when she gets settled in so I can send her care packages and write to her, etc.
A downer, however, is that my oldest friend's grandmother is dying. She has lung cancer and the doctors aren't sure if it's metastasized to her brain. Another family member reported that she had had an incident where she was certain that renegades had taken over the nursing home where she's receiving care. My friend was a little hesitant about visiting if gram was still in that state, and since I had promised to visit again anyway, she asked if I'd go with her. Fortunately gram was fairly lucid except for one quick instant, and she seems to be fairly comfortable and has accepted her circumstances most gracefully. At one point, she told me and my friend that she wants us there with her when she dies. So I grinned at her and asked, "Alright, have you got a date set for it yet?" That made both of them laugh, and then she told us that it's nice to have people she can talk to, comfortably, about dying. And she asked to meet my husband, so I told her we'd stop by tonight.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Amenable
The hubs and I met with the aforementioned potential Intended Father today and we really like him! He's intelligent, which is a big one for the hubs, but he also strikes me as a patient, sensitive person. We discussed the questions I wrote up earlier, and while he's not excited about a midwife (which is fine; this is his kiddo we're talking about; not mine), he's definitely interested in being an active part of labor and delivery. That was a big one for me. He's got very specific criteria as far as an egg donor goes, and is waiting to hear back from someone who meets that criteria. He was very clear though, that no matter what, he'd really like to work with us. This statement alone pretty much made up for all the waiting and "rejection" I've felt regarding surrogacy over the last few months. And because hubby and I are well and truly impressed by him, we've agreed to wait up to three months in the event that the aforementioned donor doesn't choose him, before we revisit our options. This is so that he has a reasonable chance to find another donor to fit his criteria. If there's no hope of finding someone, he'll just drop it and we can move on. He says he should know whether the donor is amenable within a week or so. If she is, we move forward! *keeping fingers crossed!*
Saturday, February 13, 2010
That Was Fast
Well, I knew my reproductive system was invincible (or, mostly anyway. IUD's seem to be its Kryptonite) but I didn't know it was this good. I had the IUD removed on Wednesday evening. Not even a full 72 hours later, I'm bleeding already. What. The. Hell. That's not right. I'm feeling very "off" at current, as I haven't done this in five years, and I'm also lacking the little bit of extra hormone the Mirena gave me. I'll level out soon and get used to it again, no doubt, but right now I feel very strange.
Additionally, the hubs' dad is scheduled for triple or more bypass surgery on Monday. Hubs wants to go, but Dad keeps insisting that he doesn't want that. So we'll see. We may have to get an emergency flight; mayhaps not. I'd like to go, too, but even if Dad wasn't against it, I couldn't.
And tomorrow I/we meet with the possible intended father. More details on that after the meeting.
Additionally, the hubs' dad is scheduled for triple or more bypass surgery on Monday. Hubs wants to go, but Dad keeps insisting that he doesn't want that. So we'll see. We may have to get an emergency flight; mayhaps not. I'd like to go, too, but even if Dad wasn't against it, I couldn't.
And tomorrow I/we meet with the possible intended father. More details on that after the meeting.
Friday, February 12, 2010
Catch Updates
-deep breath-
The other day, the hubs got a nasty email from Norwich saying that he had been dropped from the one class he's taking, because he needs this one stupid course to finish his degree. Not because he hadn't kept track of his requirements, no. But because his advisor and the registrar's office mis-advised him. Anyway, they sent this email to tell him that they were dropping him from the course because he hadn't submitted some piece of information. When he went up on Thursday to talk to them, they pulled the same, "You didn't turn in your... Oh wait. You did. Well, carry on then" crap they've pulled on him for years. Come to think of it, they pulled the same crap on my ex, too. -grumble- At least the problem is solved, and he's still enrolled.
On top of that, the same night he got that email, I got one from my mother-in-law, saying that the hubs' father was going in for an angiogram to find out whether he needs angioplasty, stents or yet another bypass surgery (he's had several quadruple bypasses at this point already). So the family is understandably concerned; myself included. He went in at 2:00pm (Central) and we're waiting to hear back as to how it went.
On the upside, we did get our tax return and were therefore able to purchase train tickets to Illinois in April, so that the hubs can spend his birthday with his family and old friends. And his mom wants to throw us a late-wedding/early-first-anniversary party while we're there. Turns out his sister is also planning a joint birthday party for him and her husband, since their birthdays are all of three days apart.
Also, my bike is fixed, so I can go back to riding to work! I can't even begin to describe how nice it was to get back on it and ride, even just from the bike shop downtown! I MISSED YOU, MY CRUMMY LITTLE DEPARTMENT STORE BIKE!
Here's hoping for good things to come, and bad things to STAY AWAY this year!
The other day, the hubs got a nasty email from Norwich saying that he had been dropped from the one class he's taking, because he needs this one stupid course to finish his degree. Not because he hadn't kept track of his requirements, no. But because his advisor and the registrar's office mis-advised him. Anyway, they sent this email to tell him that they were dropping him from the course because he hadn't submitted some piece of information. When he went up on Thursday to talk to them, they pulled the same, "You didn't turn in your... Oh wait. You did. Well, carry on then" crap they've pulled on him for years. Come to think of it, they pulled the same crap on my ex, too. -grumble- At least the problem is solved, and he's still enrolled.
On top of that, the same night he got that email, I got one from my mother-in-law, saying that the hubs' father was going in for an angiogram to find out whether he needs angioplasty, stents or yet another bypass surgery (he's had several quadruple bypasses at this point already). So the family is understandably concerned; myself included. He went in at 2:00pm (Central) and we're waiting to hear back as to how it went.
On the upside, we did get our tax return and were therefore able to purchase train tickets to Illinois in April, so that the hubs can spend his birthday with his family and old friends. And his mom wants to throw us a late-wedding/early-first-anniversary party while we're there. Turns out his sister is also planning a joint birthday party for him and her husband, since their birthdays are all of three days apart.
Also, my bike is fixed, so I can go back to riding to work! I can't even begin to describe how nice it was to get back on it and ride, even just from the bike shop downtown! I MISSED YOU, MY CRUMMY LITTLE DEPARTMENT STORE BIKE!
Here's hoping for good things to come, and bad things to STAY AWAY this year!
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Finalized Plans
After much hemming and hawing from the hubs about getting time off on Sunday, we have finally arranged for him to switch shifts with one of his coworkers so that he has Valentine's Day completely off! HUZZAH! I have therefore emailed the intended father and we'll be meeting at a local eatery on Sunday for lunch and to see if we might be interested in working together.
I also have an appointment tomorrow, at the hubs' suggestion, to have my IUD removed, as it will have to be out in order for the medical screening process at the fertility clinic to be completed properly anyway. I wonder if having it taken out will be as uncomfortable as having it put IN. I hope not. Ugh. I wish hubby didn't have his D&D thing on Wednesdays, cause I'd prefer to have someone with me. I'm not psyched about the possibility of driving myself home in discomfort. And I'm also not psyched about having a cycle again. It's been almost five years since the last time I bled. Oh well. It's for a good cause. Yes, yes, TMI I know. There will be a lot more to come, though I'll try to be discerning, I promise. For now, though, as my husband says, "Sleep is for the weak, and lo, I am weak."
I also have an appointment tomorrow, at the hubs' suggestion, to have my IUD removed, as it will have to be out in order for the medical screening process at the fertility clinic to be completed properly anyway. I wonder if having it taken out will be as uncomfortable as having it put IN. I hope not. Ugh. I wish hubby didn't have his D&D thing on Wednesdays, cause I'd prefer to have someone with me. I'm not psyched about the possibility of driving myself home in discomfort. And I'm also not psyched about having a cycle again. It's been almost five years since the last time I bled. Oh well. It's for a good cause. Yes, yes, TMI I know. There will be a lot more to come, though I'll try to be discerning, I promise. For now, though, as my husband says, "Sleep is for the weak, and lo, I am weak."
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Questions
Given that there's an impending meeting in my future, I thought I'd go ahead and come up with some questions for the intended father. It occurred to me as I was writing them out, though; that they might be appropriate for any potential intended parent, whether for me or for someone else.
1.) What kind of involvement would you like to have in the pregnancy?
a.) Attend doctor's appointments with me, when possible?
b.) Attend birthing classes, either with or parallel to me?
*I've been to so many birthing classes as a "doula" that I don't feel I need any more, but will go if asked.
c.) Read up on pregnancy, labor and delivery?
*I can name a good number of wonderful books!
d.) Visits, phone calls, etc.?
*I think it would be beneficial for an intended parent to familiarize the child with his/her voice in utero.
2.) Do you want to be part of the birth process, or would you prefer to be a witness to the delivery?
3.) What kind of birth would you like for your child, ideally?
*I would prefer to avoid intervention as much as possible, because I believe that normal, natural child birth is best for the baby. And I'd really like to try to avoid C-Section.
4.) Would you be willing (barring multiples or high-risk) to allow me to see a nurse-midwife for my prenatal and intrapartum care?
5.) If we established a good, healthy relationship during the pregnancy and were all comfortable with the idea postpartum, would you like me to express breast milk for your child?
*Frozen breast milk will stay good for up to six months
1.) What kind of involvement would you like to have in the pregnancy?
a.) Attend doctor's appointments with me, when possible?
b.) Attend birthing classes, either with or parallel to me?
*I've been to so many birthing classes as a "doula" that I don't feel I need any more, but will go if asked.
c.) Read up on pregnancy, labor and delivery?
*I can name a good number of wonderful books!
d.) Visits, phone calls, etc.?
*I think it would be beneficial for an intended parent to familiarize the child with his/her voice in utero.
2.) Do you want to be part of the birth process, or would you prefer to be a witness to the delivery?
3.) What kind of birth would you like for your child, ideally?
*I would prefer to avoid intervention as much as possible, because I believe that normal, natural child birth is best for the baby. And I'd really like to try to avoid C-Section.
4.) Would you be willing (barring multiples or high-risk) to allow me to see a nurse-midwife for my prenatal and intrapartum care?
5.) If we established a good, healthy relationship during the pregnancy and were all comfortable with the idea postpartum, would you like me to express breast milk for your child?
*Frozen breast milk will stay good for up to six months
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Valentine's Day
I got a phone call this morning from the aforementioned gentleman. He seems very nice and is dedicated to becoming a good, loving parent. By the sounds of it, he has a good support system in place and is anxious to move forward with this process. I have a really good feeling about him, and am excited to meet him next Sunday! Yeah, it's Valentine's Day, but the hubs has to work that day anyway, and I've never been all that excited about Hallmark Holidays anyway.
We also discussed preparatory arrangements, as well as facilities and the logistics thereof today. If we agree to work together, I'll need to remove my IUD as soon as possible, because apparently it's necessary to do an ultrasound on my uterus during the screening process. Also, as much as I would LIKE to use a midwife for this process, most IP's prefer to use doctors and hospitals, in the event of a multiple pregnancy or complications. To that end, I'll most likely be taking my OB business to Fletcher Allen in Burlington since they're the only hospital in Vermont with a Level 2 NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit).
I'm not psyched about their policy where only two people can accompany me in the birthing center and that no one under the age of twelve will be allowed in. That will be a discussion with Fletcher Allen and the intended parent, because I want a doula. It's been shown that women who labor with a doula have an easier and better time of labor than women without doulas, or even just other familiar women in the room.
I DO plan to try for a home birth for my own children, but since this one isn't going to be mine, the decision really isn't up to me. (Yes Moms: I'd like two more.)
We also discussed preparatory arrangements, as well as facilities and the logistics thereof today. If we agree to work together, I'll need to remove my IUD as soon as possible, because apparently it's necessary to do an ultrasound on my uterus during the screening process. Also, as much as I would LIKE to use a midwife for this process, most IP's prefer to use doctors and hospitals, in the event of a multiple pregnancy or complications. To that end, I'll most likely be taking my OB business to Fletcher Allen in Burlington since they're the only hospital in Vermont with a Level 2 NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit).
I'm not psyched about their policy where only two people can accompany me in the birthing center and that no one under the age of twelve will be allowed in. That will be a discussion with Fletcher Allen and the intended parent, because I want a doula. It's been shown that women who labor with a doula have an easier and better time of labor than women without doulas, or even just other familiar women in the room.
I DO plan to try for a home birth for my own children, but since this one isn't going to be mine, the decision really isn't up to me. (Yes Moms: I'd like two more.)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
News!
I got an email from the coordinator at the agency about an hour ago, saying that she's found someone who liked my profile and is interested to see if we'd be compatible. She'll be sending me his profile within a day or so. I don't know if this is the aforementioned gentleman who lives outside the U.S. but I'm excited to have another chance to meet potential intended parents!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Potential IP - Round 2
Well here's a different situation. I got an email from the carrier coordinator this morning saying that she has a single straight man looking to do surrogacy. He lives outside the US, so the question posed to me was, "Would you be willing to allow your name to remain on the birth certificate, so long as there are legally binding agreements in place to protect you from possible legal action in the future?"
I spoke with Matt about it, and being that he's not a jealous person, he said he wouldn't have an issue with it, so long as we don't have to bear responsibility for the child in the future.
I have emailed the coordinator and informed her that since this is basically just a case of needing a name to fill a space on a form, we're fine with that. I expect I'll be seeing this person's profile fairly soon.
I spoke with Matt about it, and being that he's not a jealous person, he said he wouldn't have an issue with it, so long as we don't have to bear responsibility for the child in the future.
I have emailed the coordinator and informed her that since this is basically just a case of needing a name to fill a space on a form, we're fine with that. I expect I'll be seeing this person's profile fairly soon.
Monday, January 18, 2010
The Five People You Meet In Heaven
A friend of mine told me the other day that she had just finished reading "The Five People You Meet In Heaven" by Mitch Albom, and that the book reminded her of me. Of course, I was instantly intrigued, having heard of this book in passing, but not having thought much about it until this weekend.
When we got home from my grandparents' house, I immediately went online to check and see if the library had it. They do, but when Kaile and I went downtown to retrieve it, we were disheartened to find that it was closed for the holiday. We went home and I thought perhaps I could find the audiobook online somewhere. No dice. I did, however, find a streaming movie adaptation of the book, where apparently the screenplay was written by the author himself. It was beautifully done. John Voight does a superb job, and his supporting cast is equally brilliant.
I won't ruin the story by trying to retell any of it; it really does need to be experienced by each person on his/her own. But I will say this: I am not a crier, as a rule. I cried four or five times throughout the film, and then sobbed for a good long time at the end. Some of it was sadness, but most of it was a mixture of positive emotional overload and very personal identification and understanding. Also factored in, of course, is the statement made by my friend that the story reminds her of me.
I'm still planning to read the book; movies aren't spoilers for me. I like the journey to the conclusion of the story just as well as the ending itself.
Regardless, I HIGHLY recommend seeing this movie. I'll add more to this once I've read the book.
1/19/10:
I have read the book now. I found a free .pdf version of it, and so I read it. It's remarkably close to the movie, I assume because the screenplay was written by the book's author. Neither the book nor the movie depletes its counterpart. Someone said they felt the book was awful, and perhaps if it's read to be just a bit of entertainment, then that person might be correct. If read for the purpose of learning something of life and death, however, I think that it provides a unique and enlightened perspective on those subjects and is well worth taking the little bit of time required to read it.
When we got home from my grandparents' house, I immediately went online to check and see if the library had it. They do, but when Kaile and I went downtown to retrieve it, we were disheartened to find that it was closed for the holiday. We went home and I thought perhaps I could find the audiobook online somewhere. No dice. I did, however, find a streaming movie adaptation of the book, where apparently the screenplay was written by the author himself. It was beautifully done. John Voight does a superb job, and his supporting cast is equally brilliant.
I won't ruin the story by trying to retell any of it; it really does need to be experienced by each person on his/her own. But I will say this: I am not a crier, as a rule. I cried four or five times throughout the film, and then sobbed for a good long time at the end. Some of it was sadness, but most of it was a mixture of positive emotional overload and very personal identification and understanding. Also factored in, of course, is the statement made by my friend that the story reminds her of me.
I'm still planning to read the book; movies aren't spoilers for me. I like the journey to the conclusion of the story just as well as the ending itself.
Regardless, I HIGHLY recommend seeing this movie. I'll add more to this once I've read the book.
1/19/10:
I have read the book now. I found a free .pdf version of it, and so I read it. It's remarkably close to the movie, I assume because the screenplay was written by the book's author. Neither the book nor the movie depletes its counterpart. Someone said they felt the book was awful, and perhaps if it's read to be just a bit of entertainment, then that person might be correct. If read for the purpose of learning something of life and death, however, I think that it provides a unique and enlightened perspective on those subjects and is well worth taking the little bit of time required to read it.
Relative Zen
I heard back from the person I mentioned in my previous blog. This person spoke to the friends in question regarding the possibility of a surrogacy (no names mentioned and nothing set in stone, of course) and after some soul searching of their own, the friends decided that a newborn at this time in their lives would be overwhelming, and so politely declined even the possibility. I was surprised to find, as I read the email, that I was not upset by this. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I was biting my nails in fear or anything, but I thought I might be a little disappointed or feel rejected. Especially after all of the "rejections" of my application through the agency.
I do want to get this ball rolling. I do. I'm one of those people who sets her mind to something, and then dives at it full-force. I don't like waiting around for outside factors to determine when conditions are right to start a project or venture. Perhaps this is a lesson in patience and willingness to trust the Universe/God/Goddess/Powers That Be. Even as I type this I know it's true. I still don't like it, but I know it's true. Come ON! Let's do this, already! The right people are out there; and it's not like it would be so hard to bring them within arms reach.
Now to be honest and realistic: My reasons for wanting to be a gestational surrogate have not changed since I started the process with my relative. But yes, there is a financial factor involved, and several other projects are contingent upon the funds that will be generated by this one. First and foremost, I want to be a midwife. The midwifery school to which I want to apply requires a $4,000 deposit upon acceptance. At the same time, VSAC will give me a grant to pay for midwifery school, but not until I have been accepted. There is no waiver for either clause, and I don't otherwise have the means to pay that deposit, even if I'm reimbursed 100% by VSAC. Hooray for circular conundrums.
I do want to get this ball rolling. I do. I'm one of those people who sets her mind to something, and then dives at it full-force. I don't like waiting around for outside factors to determine when conditions are right to start a project or venture. Perhaps this is a lesson in patience and willingness to trust the Universe/God/Goddess/Powers That Be. Even as I type this I know it's true. I still don't like it, but I know it's true. Come ON! Let's do this, already! The right people are out there; and it's not like it would be so hard to bring them within arms reach.
Now to be honest and realistic: My reasons for wanting to be a gestational surrogate have not changed since I started the process with my relative. But yes, there is a financial factor involved, and several other projects are contingent upon the funds that will be generated by this one. First and foremost, I want to be a midwife. The midwifery school to which I want to apply requires a $4,000 deposit upon acceptance. At the same time, VSAC will give me a grant to pay for midwifery school, but not until I have been accepted. There is no waiver for either clause, and I don't otherwise have the means to pay that deposit, even if I'm reimbursed 100% by VSAC. Hooray for circular conundrums.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
No Names
Someone I have recently met and thus far have come to admire, trust and like has mentioned that some of (this person's) oldest, dearest friends are looking to have another baby, but due to certain circumstances, cannot. It was suggested that this couple could provide appropriate compensation for a private surrogacy. The couple is older (approaching their 50's), and therefore cannot adopt. Their age does not pose a problem for me, as I have known a number of people who have had children later in life, and in those cases, the children seemed to keep their parents young and vital, just by existing.
I have emailed this person to ask the following questions, regarding the friends' situation:
1.) It was mentioned, I believe that this couple lives in or near Vermont. Is this correct?
2.) Why have so many doors been closed to this couple? I haven't seen much in the agency with whom I'm currently in contact that suggests an age limit for intended parents.
3.) Have you mentioned this possibility to them at all?
4.) Could you tell me how their first child came about?
5.) Lastly and most importantly: What about them brought you to feel so strongly in their favor that you would suggest that I was trustworthy enough to undertake such a task?
Once I get answers to these questions, I'll no doubt have more. I don't know if this is something I can even consider, but I feel I need to at least think about it.
Comments, questions, etc are welcome and encouraged.
I have emailed this person to ask the following questions, regarding the friends' situation:
1.) It was mentioned, I believe that this couple lives in or near Vermont. Is this correct?
2.) Why have so many doors been closed to this couple? I haven't seen much in the agency with whom I'm currently in contact that suggests an age limit for intended parents.
3.) Have you mentioned this possibility to them at all?
4.) Could you tell me how their first child came about?
5.) Lastly and most importantly: What about them brought you to feel so strongly in their favor that you would suggest that I was trustworthy enough to undertake such a task?
Once I get answers to these questions, I'll no doubt have more. I don't know if this is something I can even consider, but I feel I need to at least think about it.
Comments, questions, etc are welcome and encouraged.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Vindication
I emailed the gestational carrier coordinator at the agency through whom I'm working, regarding the behavior of the intended mother on Saturday. She was outraged and wholly apologetic, saying that neither she nor the agency would ever knowingly serve someone with such a heinous outlook. She also informed me that while people are all entitled to their opinions, things like racism and prejudice are not welcome sentiments, and that the agency will no longer contract with this couple.
Part of me felt bad for a split second upon hearing this, but let's be realistic: people like who honestly feel that way should not be encouraged to reproduce and pass their bigotry on to innocent children. So no, I don't feel badly for them after all.
Part of me felt bad for a split second upon hearing this, but let's be realistic: people like who honestly feel that way should not be encouraged to reproduce and pass their bigotry on to innocent children. So no, I don't feel badly for them after all.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
False Starts
Back in September, I contacted an agency within my geographic range about becoming a gestational surrogate. I had begun the first steps (i.e. research and contacting the appropriate professionals) of a private surrogacy with a member of my extended family, but due to circumstances beyond my control, the process came to a screeching halt. I had gotten so "fired up" to do a surrogacy, however, that the desire wouldn't die out. Hence the impulse to contact a surrogacy agency.
My profile has been reviewed by a handful of couples, and been rejected. These things happen. I've had abortions in the past, I live too far north, etc. No big deal. I'll find the right couple sometime. Well, it seemed that the carrier coordinator might have done just that, back in December. She described one couple as "a little rough around the edges." Which was fine by me; I can get on with just about anyone, and truth be told, my family is "a little rough around the edges." And this couple had saved the money to do this, according to the coordinator.
So yesterday we drove the two hours to Concord, NH to eat at The Common Man, per the potential intended parents' request. We were told over the phone that they would pay for dinner, and were excited to meet us. We talked for about an hour before we were able to get a table, as the parents seemed to have lacked the foresight to get reservations, but we seemed to get along nicely. Most of the meal went fairly well, and we all managed to be friendly and not entirely uncomfortable. Then the mother informed me in an undertone so that no one else could hear, that she made sure that the agency knew that she "don't wanna work with coloreds." Needless to say, my alarms went haywire right then and there. We spent the remainder of the meal in polite conversation, but at least from my end, it was just pretense so as not to make it horrible.
At the end of the meal, the intended parents informed us that they'd cover half of the check, but we had to pay for the other half. Now, I understand that paying for half of dinner was more than their "fair" share, as there were three of us and only two of them, but as far as I am concerned, that speaks to the kind of behavior we can expect going forward (i.e. going back on their word, trying to skirt around the contract, etc) and so my husband and I have decided to ask the agency to tell them no, and to put my profile back out for viewing.
Oh well. Better to learn all this now than when it's too late. The right couple will be out there, and they won't be racist.
My profile has been reviewed by a handful of couples, and been rejected. These things happen. I've had abortions in the past, I live too far north, etc. No big deal. I'll find the right couple sometime. Well, it seemed that the carrier coordinator might have done just that, back in December. She described one couple as "a little rough around the edges." Which was fine by me; I can get on with just about anyone, and truth be told, my family is "a little rough around the edges." And this couple had saved the money to do this, according to the coordinator.
So yesterday we drove the two hours to Concord, NH to eat at The Common Man, per the potential intended parents' request. We were told over the phone that they would pay for dinner, and were excited to meet us. We talked for about an hour before we were able to get a table, as the parents seemed to have lacked the foresight to get reservations, but we seemed to get along nicely. Most of the meal went fairly well, and we all managed to be friendly and not entirely uncomfortable. Then the mother informed me in an undertone so that no one else could hear, that she made sure that the agency knew that she "don't wanna work with coloreds." Needless to say, my alarms went haywire right then and there. We spent the remainder of the meal in polite conversation, but at least from my end, it was just pretense so as not to make it horrible.
At the end of the meal, the intended parents informed us that they'd cover half of the check, but we had to pay for the other half. Now, I understand that paying for half of dinner was more than their "fair" share, as there were three of us and only two of them, but as far as I am concerned, that speaks to the kind of behavior we can expect going forward (i.e. going back on their word, trying to skirt around the contract, etc) and so my husband and I have decided to ask the agency to tell them no, and to put my profile back out for viewing.
Oh well. Better to learn all this now than when it's too late. The right couple will be out there, and they won't be racist.
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