Monday, July 23, 2012

Mostly Over It

Well ladies and gentlemen, Preggosaurus 2: Return of the Baby Bump has thrown us its first red herring. This pregnancy's initial hCG levels started out strong at 70. Second test: 114. Not a great sign, but not bad, either. The levels are supposed to double every couple of days. Third test: 179. Fourth Test: 229. Fifth test: 234. The IVF clinic has deemed this a non-viable pregnancy and instructed me to discontinue my medications. What this means is that we're going to allow this embryo to miscarry. Hopefully it will do so on its own, and I won't have to have a D&C (dilation and curettage) which I can tell you is not a pleasant experience. Then we'll start afresh with the same I.F. in a couple of months.

There's still a slight possibility that this could be an ectopic pregnancy (when the embryo implants in the fallopian tubes instead of the uterus - it's a dangerous event and if not treated promptly, can be fatal), but it's unlikely, sayeth the IVF Doctor, because my hCG levels are starting to plateau.

I'll be honest; I was sky-high at the idea of pulling off a successful pregnancy on the first try, twice in a row. But discouragement began settling in after the second blood test. I felt like I had somehow done something wrong; that I was a failure because it didn't thrive. I have come to the conclusion that this is just a lot ridiculous. If there are external factors involved here, it's got nothing to do with anything I've done. I have been diligent with my medications; eaten a relatively balanced diet; I don't smoke; I don't drink when we're in the process of preparing for pregnancy, and even when we're not, I rarely imbibe much.

I think what this boils down to is stress. My work environment is frustrating to the extreme. I'm in the middle of trying to move, which involves packing; arranging for Pixie Princess to go to a new school; notifying all of the necessary organizations of the new address; doing the actual moving and cleaning and repairing the former residence once the move is complete. On top of this, my mother and stepfather moved out this past weekend, and needed help doing so.

Once this embryo is gone and I've had my menses, we can start over, and I think by then I'll be in a better place to stay relaxed and take it easy. I was able to keep things pretty mellow with Wiggle Worm and she wound up being a mellow baby. I think if this one had gone to term it would most likely have been a poor, nervous wreck of a child.

So I'm over the discouragement, for the most part. I'll have my moments from time to time, of course, but dwelling on things that I can't change isn't going to change them, so I'll work on me and go from there.

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